I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
