my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
