i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
