I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
