I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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