so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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