only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
