Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm jealous of your bromance
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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