Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
