Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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