OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
