What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
