Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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