My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize