My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
