No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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