I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
