Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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