dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
