Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
be right there i have to get my cape
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
