Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
