i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
