shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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