when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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