Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize