I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
