Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my being single is dangerous.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize