Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
