I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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