i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize