Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
