I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
