That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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