I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
