Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
