If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
