i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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