Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I didn't notice because vodka
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
