Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
