why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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