my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
