I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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