Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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