I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
