I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
