just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize