heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
