you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
