There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
