Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
