What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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