I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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