Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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