where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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