I looked at my own cervix.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
