K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
