I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
whose ass print is on the piano?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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