Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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