don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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