I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
