I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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