Don't make out with my wife yet
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
