I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
