My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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