woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
