dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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